ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
