Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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