before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
