I smell stomach acid.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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