My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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