and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
