My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow