Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.