You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.