4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
