ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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