she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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