Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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