omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
