I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
