im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
