my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
