Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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