made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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