God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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