the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
