some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Randomize
