I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Ladies don't puke and tell
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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