I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
