I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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