ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
