I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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