Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
