His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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