I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
