i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
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I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
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Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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