That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
