I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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