woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Four minutes until I can fart!
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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