life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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