oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
