it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
