this boner is exhausting
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Dicks are not precious.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
