i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
