Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
