Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
