Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
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Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
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I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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