DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
