What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
