I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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