Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
