Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
