I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
