I wish I could teleport
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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