I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
