Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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