I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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