Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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