he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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