i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
