Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
