put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
