I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
