it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize