He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
