i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
