I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
