Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
