And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
